At this time of the year, most newspapers and television channels are busy reviewing things. The top ten sportsmen of the year, the ten most corrupt politicians this year, the top twenty film actors of twenty-ten and so on. And, in a few days, we will be making new year resolutions. I won't smoke this year, I won't let my wife drink this year, I will exercise more this year, I will fight less with my boss this year. Then, on new year's eve, we will party, mostly, sitting on our butts, smoking and drinking, and getting into drunken brawls with everyone including our bosses. Then, in the first week of January, the top ten lists will be gone, the resolutions will be over, and I will get back to reading Hagar the Horrible on page six, admiring the wonderful life the Vikings had. Including their drunken brawls.
Our life is so dependent on the solar cycle. We go around the sun in three hundred and sixty five days, give or take some small change. We have absolutely no control over the amount of time we go around papa Sol. But, we do have control over when we will start our year, when we will party and how we will divide up the year. So, although most of the world starts its new year in January, the Chinese dance with their dragons in their own new year, the Punjabis do their Bhangra on Baisakhi, and the Bengalis do their smoking and drinking on Poila Boisakh.
The first of the year is easy. Just take those three hundred and sixty five days, and start counting from a particular day. That becomes your new year. Of course, it is so much more fun, if the primary agricultural produce of your civilization just gets harvested, and, you can ferment it to make strong alcohol (extremely important). I often wonder why the Gregorian calendar starts in January. Most of Europe is frozen solid at this time of the year, and if you go a little northwards, you get to eat seal blubber and drink last year's beer. Why in the world would you like to start the new year so depressed? And since European civilization became the civilization of the world, we ended up celebrating the new year at this dreary and gloomy time of the year as well.
And then, there is this thing about the months of the year. A few Roman gods here, a few goddesses there and a couple of bald Italian guys. Yeah, the same kind that you see on TV trying to show you how much goat cheese to add on a pizza from Tuscany. Honestly, would you be comfortable with two months of the year being named after two greasy Italian guys called Tony and Guido? Then how come you don't protest July and August, named after the father and son duo of Julius and Augustus? Ceaser, that is just too much.
I like Baisakh. The spring is in the air. The birds are chirping. Trees have new leaves. The mango season is only a couple of months away. And, palm toddy tastes really nice at that time of the year.
I don't know about you, but this year, I am celebrating new year in April. In the month of Baisakh. And between then and now, I am going to start a signature campaign to rename the months of July and August after the new rulers of the world, Beer and Vodka. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be?
January, February, March, April, May, June, Beer, Vodka, September, October, November, and, oh, what the hell, Scotch.
Are you with me on that?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas!
I was taking a walk with my wife on the pavement of the main street of a small town in north India. We crossed the only church in the town and there was a big crowd of nicely dressed people, getting ready to attend the midnight mass. Outside, there were the usual vendors in any small town in India. People selling peanuts, golgappas and sweets. A guy carrying a bunch of brightly colored balloons was approaching us.
"Merry Christmas!", he said. We greeted him back and started looking at the balloons. I was a little curious and so, I asked,"Aapko pata hai Merry Christmas ka matlab?" (Do you know what Merry Christmas means?). He looked a little embarrased, "Pata hai sahib. Main Christian nahin hoon. Yeah mera tyohar nahin hain. Mujhe nahin bolna chahiye meri christmas." (I know Sahib. I am not a Christian. This is not my festival. I shouldn't say My Christmas).
The Hindi word for My is Meri, which sounds very similar to Merry, as in Merry Christmas.
Me and my wife exchanged a very brief glance. I was feeling a little naughty. So, I suggested to him, "Tab, shayed aapko kahna chahiye, Teri Christmas." (Then may be, you should say your Christmas.) Teri refers to a slightly disrespectful form of "you", usually reserved for children and close friends. He smiled back, "Nahin Sahib, thodi izzat ke sath bolna chahiye". (No Sahib, we should speak with some respect).
We bought a few balloons and resumed our walk. Behind us, we could hear the balloon-man approaching the next customer. He was shouting, "Aap-ki Christmas! Aap-ki Christmas!"(Your Christmas! Your Christmas!). He was using the respectful form of "you". There were puzzled looks all around.
My wife was giving me one of her furious stares. I whispered, "It sort of sounds like Happy Christmas from here. I think he will do just fine".
To all of you, everywhere. In all languages. Merry Christmas!
"Merry Christmas!", he said. We greeted him back and started looking at the balloons. I was a little curious and so, I asked,"Aapko pata hai Merry Christmas ka matlab?" (Do you know what Merry Christmas means?). He looked a little embarrased, "Pata hai sahib. Main Christian nahin hoon. Yeah mera tyohar nahin hain. Mujhe nahin bolna chahiye meri christmas." (I know Sahib. I am not a Christian. This is not my festival. I shouldn't say My Christmas).
The Hindi word for My is Meri, which sounds very similar to Merry, as in Merry Christmas.
Me and my wife exchanged a very brief glance. I was feeling a little naughty. So, I suggested to him, "Tab, shayed aapko kahna chahiye, Teri Christmas." (Then may be, you should say your Christmas.) Teri refers to a slightly disrespectful form of "you", usually reserved for children and close friends. He smiled back, "Nahin Sahib, thodi izzat ke sath bolna chahiye". (No Sahib, we should speak with some respect).
We bought a few balloons and resumed our walk. Behind us, we could hear the balloon-man approaching the next customer. He was shouting, "Aap-ki Christmas! Aap-ki Christmas!"(Your Christmas! Your Christmas!). He was using the respectful form of "you". There were puzzled looks all around.
My wife was giving me one of her furious stares. I whispered, "It sort of sounds like Happy Christmas from here. I think he will do just fine".
To all of you, everywhere. In all languages. Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sandrokyptos, my first emperor
Often, you come across people who have never drunk a drop of alcohol, but they can tell you the finest differences between Chardonnay and Pinot Gris. Or people, who have never smoked a cigarette, but can tell you the differences between Virginia tobacco and Amarelinho. Like that, a Chinese colleague of mine, who often used to join us for lunch at work, and who grew up in revolutionary communist China, could tell you everything there was to know about the history of kings and emperors. One day, he was telling me about China's first emperor, Qin Shi Huang. And then, he asked me a question that I did not know the answer to, "Who was your first emperor?".
I fumbled for the answer, and then, taking a wild guess, said, "I think it was Ashoka the great. He was a person who unified India. And after a pretty nasty military conquest of a state called Kalinga, he converted to Buddhism. We respect him a lot in India, our national emblem, the four headed lion, was actually a part of Ashoka's royal seal."
Ashoka? No. I think your first emperor was someone called Sandrokyptos, I read about him in a history book. This was a Greek colleague of mine, who was a proud descendant of the Spartans, and was extremely well versed in history. I was intrigued. Sandrokyptos? I knew that when Alexander the Great invaded India, he left several of his generals in charge of the conquered territories. May be, my Greek friend was talking about one such general in Alexander's army. But, I decided to look this up.
As it turns out, Sandrokyptos, as he was known to the Greek, was a mighty emperor. And, as an Indian, he was indeed my first emperor. It just happens, that we know him by a slightly different name, Chandragupta Maurya. At the age of twenty, he had conquered most of northern India and Pakistan and after his southern conquests, he was the undisputed ruler of almost the entire Indian subcontinent, modern day Afghanistan, and some parts of Iran.Then, towards the end of his life, he renounced everything, became a Jain ascetic and moved to a place called Shravanabelagola in modern day Karnataka. Apparently, he chose to die by fasting, which is supposed to be the highest accomplishment of an ascetic.
Who was this extremely interesting person, my first emperor, who lived the life of a powerful monarch, and chose to die with no material possessions? This very approach to life, makes me very sure, that he was India's first emperor.
The historical records from the times of Chandragupta are very sketchy, and most historians believe that he was a common man, not born into nobility. But, very early in his life, he was discovered by another great personality of those times, Chanakya, who is also known as Kautilya to most Indians. Chanakya has gone down in Indian history as a super-intellectual, who was a brilliant military and political strategist. He and Chadragupta made a formidable team together that shook the very foundation of India. Even today, business gurus write books about the philosophy of Kautilya and the rule of Chandragupta Maurya, to teach would be business tycoons how they should rule, and, how they shouldn't. The first milestone in Chandragupta's path to becoming the first emperor of India was to overthrow the Nandas, who were the kings of Pataliputra at the time. As a child, I remember reading a very interesting story about this.
During the first attack on the Nandas, Chandragupta focused on the seat of power. He attacked Nanda's palace with a small band of soldiers and was swiftly defeated. He somehow escaped with his life. Then, he and Chanakya, disguised as monks, roamed the countryside in northern India, plotting their next step. It was during these travels, that they took shelter in the house of a kind lady, who offered them a warm meal. They were sitting down to eat and the lady's young son, who was barely five, joined them. Being extremely hungry, the boy put his hand in the middle of a hot lump of rice and whimpered in pain. Instead of consoling the boy, his mother chided him, "Why did you make the same mistake that Chandragupta did? Now you have to suffer!"
The two monks were about to dig into their food, but froze when they heard the remark. Curious, they asked,"What does putting your hand in the middle of a hot lump of rice have to do with Chandragupta?" The lady said, "Just like my boy here, Chandragupta put his fingers where his enemy was the strongest. The best way to eat a hot lump of rice is to eat it from the sides, and wait while the rest cools down."
The two most brilliant political and military strategists of our land, learned a life lesson from that housewife on that fateful day. They decided to attack the Nandas from the fringes and eat away at their crumbling empire. Very soon, Chandragupta was the ruler of Pataliputra, on his way to becoming the first emperor of India.
One last thing. I discovered that I was not completely wrong with my answer after all. Ashoka the great, a mighty emperor in his own right, who had a profound impact on our destiny as Indians, was the third emperor of the mighty Mauryan empire. Founded by the mighty Sandrokyptos, my first emperor.
I fumbled for the answer, and then, taking a wild guess, said, "I think it was Ashoka the great. He was a person who unified India. And after a pretty nasty military conquest of a state called Kalinga, he converted to Buddhism. We respect him a lot in India, our national emblem, the four headed lion, was actually a part of Ashoka's royal seal."
Ashoka? No. I think your first emperor was someone called Sandrokyptos, I read about him in a history book. This was a Greek colleague of mine, who was a proud descendant of the Spartans, and was extremely well versed in history. I was intrigued. Sandrokyptos? I knew that when Alexander the Great invaded India, he left several of his generals in charge of the conquered territories. May be, my Greek friend was talking about one such general in Alexander's army. But, I decided to look this up.
As it turns out, Sandrokyptos, as he was known to the Greek, was a mighty emperor. And, as an Indian, he was indeed my first emperor. It just happens, that we know him by a slightly different name, Chandragupta Maurya. At the age of twenty, he had conquered most of northern India and Pakistan and after his southern conquests, he was the undisputed ruler of almost the entire Indian subcontinent, modern day Afghanistan, and some parts of Iran.Then, towards the end of his life, he renounced everything, became a Jain ascetic and moved to a place called Shravanabelagola in modern day Karnataka. Apparently, he chose to die by fasting, which is supposed to be the highest accomplishment of an ascetic.
Who was this extremely interesting person, my first emperor, who lived the life of a powerful monarch, and chose to die with no material possessions? This very approach to life, makes me very sure, that he was India's first emperor.
The historical records from the times of Chandragupta are very sketchy, and most historians believe that he was a common man, not born into nobility. But, very early in his life, he was discovered by another great personality of those times, Chanakya, who is also known as Kautilya to most Indians. Chanakya has gone down in Indian history as a super-intellectual, who was a brilliant military and political strategist. He and Chadragupta made a formidable team together that shook the very foundation of India. Even today, business gurus write books about the philosophy of Kautilya and the rule of Chandragupta Maurya, to teach would be business tycoons how they should rule, and, how they shouldn't. The first milestone in Chandragupta's path to becoming the first emperor of India was to overthrow the Nandas, who were the kings of Pataliputra at the time. As a child, I remember reading a very interesting story about this.
During the first attack on the Nandas, Chandragupta focused on the seat of power. He attacked Nanda's palace with a small band of soldiers and was swiftly defeated. He somehow escaped with his life. Then, he and Chanakya, disguised as monks, roamed the countryside in northern India, plotting their next step. It was during these travels, that they took shelter in the house of a kind lady, who offered them a warm meal. They were sitting down to eat and the lady's young son, who was barely five, joined them. Being extremely hungry, the boy put his hand in the middle of a hot lump of rice and whimpered in pain. Instead of consoling the boy, his mother chided him, "Why did you make the same mistake that Chandragupta did? Now you have to suffer!"
The two monks were about to dig into their food, but froze when they heard the remark. Curious, they asked,"What does putting your hand in the middle of a hot lump of rice have to do with Chandragupta?" The lady said, "Just like my boy here, Chandragupta put his fingers where his enemy was the strongest. The best way to eat a hot lump of rice is to eat it from the sides, and wait while the rest cools down."
The two most brilliant political and military strategists of our land, learned a life lesson from that housewife on that fateful day. They decided to attack the Nandas from the fringes and eat away at their crumbling empire. Very soon, Chandragupta was the ruler of Pataliputra, on his way to becoming the first emperor of India.
One last thing. I discovered that I was not completely wrong with my answer after all. Ashoka the great, a mighty emperor in his own right, who had a profound impact on our destiny as Indians, was the third emperor of the mighty Mauryan empire. Founded by the mighty Sandrokyptos, my first emperor.
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